Monday, May 30, 2011


{new roots}


As you are reading this post,
we are driving with a convoy of all of my worldly goods to a new life.


As a family, we have made the decision to move to Arizona.


It's been an emotional struggle of a year.
Family members that bury their head to life changing issues, lack of respect and protection for innocent people and immoral conduct without consequence, has been the key sickness in it all.


I have cut ties with most of my biological Utah family.
This includes my dad and his chain of women and children.
And with the utmost anger and disappointment, I will leave Utah with a big 
FUCK YOU!


We are being welcomed with embrace and love from my Arizona family.  I also welcome the support and help that they are graciously giving us.


New adventure.
New way.
New roots.


To those of you who have been my Utah support network and given us much care and devotion......
I will leave Utah with a big 
LOVE YOU!


As a good friend told me,
"Proximity does not make or break true friendships"
I hold this quote in my mind to keep the tears from running.


I'm am going to miss you all 
so much.
Our "couples" dinners and date nights
Our sing-a-longs
Our girl lunches
Our concerts
Our Bendover trips
Our nights by the fire drinking too much wine and smoking too many ciggies
Our help with decorating each other's houses
Our fashion shows and dependence of each other's opinions on a new outfit
Our comfort of looking into each other's faces for a sincere show of compassion or joy
Our hugs....
the tangible touch.


But please remember my lovees:
There are never too many miles that can keep my heart away from you.


Before I get any more babble-y or emotional....
I will end this announcement.


Please stay with me and be patient with my lack of posting for a bit.
We will be settled in to our new home soon, and I will keep you in "the know" along the way.


Goodbye my friends and foes.....
Goodbye Utah
Se La Vi











Wednesday, May 25, 2011

{Smash me baby one more time...
crank it, crank it down now!}


About a week after my buttermilk bicsuit  smack down, I received a call that they had found "an abnormal mass" in my left breast.
They needed me to go to the Breast Center for addition scans.

When you hear abnormal or mass in the same sentence with breast,
your.
heart. 
stops.
Your life begins to play in a fast forward loop through your head.
You remember the ladies who say, 
"that phone call changed my life".

I really tried to stay calm, and possitive.
Until I knew exactly what was massin' around in lefty, I didn't want to cause a scare in my self or my loved ones by voicing it outloud.

My testing day was May 13th.
The anniversary of my brother's death.
I was emotional anyway, but started to get all dramatic on myself by saying,
"of course, the day my brother died is going to be the day I find out I have cancer!!!  
isn't this nice....hey life!! 
why you gotta beat me with the asshole stick today????"

I decided to definitely wear a better shoe and outfit this time around.....if I'm gonna be hit with the whammie, then I'm gonna look good doing it!!!!
As you can see from the pic above, the embellished wedge looks much better than my Nike runners along side THE boot.
Because there is never an excuse to be a fashion victim OKAY!!!
(((snap left, snap right, and take it down low)))

I was in the waiting room sitting along side three other women.
All three were decades older than me.
They didn't seem as nervous as I.
I assumed that this open gown and squeezin' process is 'old hat' for them by now.

The waiting room door opened and I look up to see a familiar face staring back at me.
It was my biscuit lady MAROLYN!!!!
(Now mind you....I am in a totally different facility than my first mammy.)
She tilted her head and with soft eyes said,
"Jolie honey, I get to take care of you today".
I was so relieved and felt like I had just been bundled in a warm receiving blanket.
Marolyn treated me as one of her own daughters.
You know those kind of women that has enough motherly love to share with those who are in need of a momma for the day.
She gave me compassion, a tight hug, and words to help me stay strong.


(not my breast...btw)

Marolyn explained, that they had found calcification in Lefty-Lucy.
The pictures were similar to the one above, but in mine, there is a trail of these spots (about 8 little dots) running across the length. 
It reminded me of stars in the sky...
we can refer to it as the Lil Dipper.
Calcification in breast tissue can be a warning sign of tumors.
The Breast Center obviously specializes only in breasts, and has radiologists reading the x-rays as the boobies are being scanned.
Many requests were made by the radiologist for Marolyn to adjust, squish, and manipulate poor Left-wina for a better read of where the Lil Dipper was isolated.
Marolyn worked her magic and was able to get all of the shots exactly the way that the doctor had asked for.
I'm not gonna lie.....
I was throbbing, and achy and felt like something came up and sucker-punched me in the chest.......
with a meat tenderizer!
I was as red and purple as a grape fruit stand.
I think it was that last maneuver she had to do that put me over the edge.
One word: crank!
After placing my boob in between the plastic plates, and then pushing the floor peddle to enact the squeeze, she reached for the top of a large screw crank!!!
She cranked my tit in a ringer people!!!
A FRIGGIN' CRANK R.I.N.G.E.R!!!!

Marolyn felt bad :(
I told her with tears in my eyes and a body tremor, 
"oh it wasn't so bad".
She knew I was lying.

This whole process took close to an hour...
put boob in, take boob out, doctor reads scan
put boob in, take boob out, doctor reads scan
and on and on......

Finally, Marolyn said that we were done and led me to a room where the doctor wanted to talk to me.

Between the fear and the bodily trauma just received, I was beading sweat from every pore.

The doc and I shook hands, and he began to explain that Lil Dipper is in my skin tissue and not my mammary tissue.
He apologized for the amount of testing, but he wanted to be sure of his results.

Having calcification in the skin tissue is of no cancer worry.

CAN I GET A WHEW AND A HELL YAH AND A WHOOP WHOOP!!!!




You know you're in a place that means "tit in a ringer" business when they supply you with deo to deal with the after effects of the crank!!!


Tuesday, May 24, 2011


{Well hello!  
I find you sexy...open wide}


I've been seeing my dentist for over 20 something years.
He's a great dentist!!!!
THE GREATEST!!!!!
We've been through a lot together....
~his midlife stage of the "man pony tail",
~my front veneer that decided to reject, and my gums turned black,
~his tango moves that he had to show me during his "dance lessons" phase,
~my bad breath that oozed from the depths of my gut due to a night of partying before an appointment,
(there's a reason why they wear the face guard!!!
it's sure as hell NOT for our protection!)
~his gentle manner to welcome my boys into the dentist chair, which by the way, they have never been afraid of the dentist because Dr. C. has made it comfortable and easy,
and lastly,
~his compassion and acknowledgment of my loved ones lost along the way.

So, I guess you could say that there's been a fun, respectful, long relationship between my pearly yellow/whites, my entire fam, and Dr. C.
But a little something different happened yesterday when I showed up for my 6 month check......
Something that left me a bit speechless...
and not because I had a plastic dental apparatus in my mouth!
Dr. C. didn't recognize me at first with my new red locks....I could tell because he was giving me that look like, 
"hmmmm....where do I know her from".
When he finally came and sat along side of my reclined chair, he said, 
"WOW!  You are a redhead!  You are meant to be a redhead!!!!  Look at your skin coloring and your eyes!  The first thing I thought was 'that is a beautiful woman, the kind that you don't want to mess with because she takes charge!'...
I find this hair color very sexy on you".
Yep, he said it, and then there was the weird uncomfortable silence that would have welcomed a loud fart just to break up the mute in the air.
I think he spewed his thoughts without control and we all had regret after.

But as the day went on, I kept thinking about his mouth purge, and I got a little smile.
:)
Because as I have said before, it doesn't matter if a compliment comes from the boobie dough roller* or your family plaque expert.......
I'M TAKING THE DAMN COMPLIMENT!!!!!!!

*I have a continuing story regarding the lefty boob, the vice grip, and the biscuit lady!!!
Working on it.....



Monday, May 23, 2011

{We are a true life sitcom}



(Lisa, Derek, Lynsie, Jay, Me, The Rand, Paula and Jay D)

Whenever me and all my sistas from otha mistas, 
and my brothas from otha mothas get together,
I get caught up in the laughter and appreciation of the individual personalities that make up this table full of friendship.
I've always thought we would make a great new NBC sitcom!!!
Since the name "Friends" has already been used, 
I think the name "Super funny, cool, good looking people having a hella fun life!"
Yah.....I think that would describe it well!








Wow.....
I know good when I see it!
And my friends are more than good,
they are genuine heart and soul.

I'm one lucky girl
{mi casa crapo....su casa crapo}




We had a la grand yard sale on Saturday.
I pretty much sold 1/2 of my house.


I had the sale posted for 8 am, which in "yard sale-er" terms means 7 am.
I woke straight out of bed at 5:45 with anxiety that I wouldn't have all my shiz displayed by the time the pack o' wolves came to rape my goods!

I started by laying out blankets as a way of categorizing my merchandise.
I had a seasonal decor area, two interior design decor stations, a beauty corner, children's toys/games plot, and then miscellaneous stuffs scattered about.

I felt pretty good about my organization of it all.
(yes, I am in intense therapy for my control issues)




The bigger items were strategically placed on our big slab o'cement.
A kind of a "staging" effect if you will.
You gotta make people think that if this stuff looks rockin on grey cement, the possibilities are endless in their own home!!!


I started the day with this money bag hanging cross-ways around my body joined with a cup of coffee.
I didn't let either one off  of my own persons the entire time!!!
I think they were my security blanket.
Ya know, like one of those stress balls that you grip til your hands turn blue.
Yah, that's what they were!!! My stress reliever blue balls!


(Adrianne and her mom, Barb)

We had THE best customers!!!!!
Friends, neighbors and dozens of Mexican families came from all over to support our money pouch.



The sales staff was top notch!!!!!
Workers on duty:  Paula, Lisa, Aunt T, Jay D, My boys, Me and sometimes Randy.
Randy was a little hung from the night before, so he was half mast most of the day.



We came out with over $2100!!!!!!
We had sold most of everything.  We have a small load to take to the D.I., but nothing that I would have made another $20 bucks on anyway.
I was so shocked at how fast our stuff moved out of here!!!

Considering the known fact that I hate hosting yard sales,
this was a really fun day!!!!!!
Randy's buddy from work brought two sacks of authentic home made tamales that we laid out for everyone to enjoy.
It was the perfect combination of sunshine, great friends, loving family, yummy food, and lot's of money :)

Thanks y'all!
xoxoxooxo





Friday, May 20, 2011

{DON'T feed the birds!!}


My nice little gazebo/firepit/partay central, has been over run by a fleet of robin red breasts!


This one is the matriarch.
I swear that she stares at me with gloat that her little nests have moved in on my territory!
Little bitch!


They have made a shit parade of my sanctuary!
All my cushions and tables are smeared with pooh...
and if that isn't enough!!!
they drop blue eggs out of their asses left and right!
Normally I would have sympathy for a baby robin that has been splattered to it's death,
BUT NOT THIS TIME!!!!
OH no!!!  Not this time!
These birds are goin' DOWN!
I'm giving the boys their BB guns and rain/bird shit coat to set out  for a war!

Today's lesson:
Never SHIT on the head that feeds you!!!!



Tuesday, May 17, 2011

{Mutha's Day} 



I have been VERY busy lately....
too busy to blog, which says a lot because I loves me blog!
I will fill you in on the details of my busy-ness soon....
I'm just waiting for the right time to SHABANG you all with my news!

I've been so caught up with the SHABANG, that Mother's Day flew past and I forgot to share some of my boys' hand made gifts.

As you see with the picture above, Jax surprised me with one of his famous signs.
I'm just happy there isn't an F.U. somewhere in this one!

Below are cards that each dude thought out and created with all the love they had in their heart :)




Happy Muzairs Day!
Riv threw in a French twist....
Ummm hmmm!  
Who doesn't love a French twist?!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Jax's card is very thought out.....
In Jax's head anyway.
It's really cute, but I don't know what it's saying!!!!
Apparently I am somewhere on Earth and.....
um....I am bald.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

K...I'm gonna need a drum roll please
ddddmmmmdmdmdmdmmdmdmmdmmmm...
The last card is from the Rand.
Please brace yourselves for this kind of never before seen artistry.
~
~
~
~



:)
"You're way hotter than I can draw"
Awe

LMAO!!!!!  with tears included!

Just a few things that I am extremely grateful for regarding this card:
1~That I am hotter than he can draw
2~He gave me full lips, a skinny neck, and decent hair
3~He hasn't used this artwork for a permanent tattoo to show his un-dying love for me.
(I've seen those scary face tattoos before)

I had a very "colorful" and pampered Mother's Day with many of my loves surrounding me.
I hope your Momma's Day was Frenchie, Earthy, and Hotter than a drawing, beautiful too!
xoxoxo

Friday, May 13, 2011

{Damon}



I love you 





I had a dream that I came across a picture of Damon carrying River on his shoulders as a toddler.
They both had a carefree smile and joy in their eyes.
I was confused because Damon died four years before River was born.
I was in mourning when I awoke because I wanted to have the luxury of looking at that picture every day.
Maybe the dream-picture was just a way of showing me that Damon will help me carry my boys to higher ground when in need.....
I want to believe that.



(Damon's pride and joy...
his red Ford truck with the license plate 
"NO SNIVELING")

16 years living without Damon....

It sounds so obscene to hear that sentence out loud.
 Time goes by faster with each year passing....
Time makes the pain more bearable.....
But time cannot stop my love or the pining I have for  my brother......
and I continue to snivel.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

{my lovely lady lumps}


The day before mother's day,  three of my beautiful friends and I gave our tata's a look of appreciation and then covered them with a Susan B. Komen t-shirt.
We walked the streets of SLC along with 20,000 new friends.
The mood, the love, the aura, the survivor, the honored spirit, the support, and the grief, were just snippets of the emotion felt collectively.

I walked in honor of my Mother-in-law Carol who is a breast cancer survivor.



Paula walked in memory of her Mother-in law Jeannie.
I was so proud of her.
Sometimes I would get teared up seeing the sign on her back and the side profile of her face.
I am sad that Jeannie never had the opportunity to meet the mother of her grandchildren.
She would have been proud.








The thousands of people walking in memory of their loved ones broke me!
And I'm not even showing you the children that walked with their daddy's and had their momma's name in memory pinned to their back!!!
Little babes living without their moms, yet walking in honor for other children's mothers.
love makes the world go round.


Along the 3.1 miles, were teams of supporters.
This particular team was the "BOO BEE'S".


Pink was seen for miles and miles.
This was a spectacular sight to witness. 



The finish line was in the center of the Gateway Mall.
Volunteers passed out water and oranges.


1:22.20 was our time from start to finish.
There was no hurry.
The walk was very easy and leisurely.
We took it at a turtle's pace enjoying the scenery and catching up on each other's lives.

I'm proud of all of us for making this happen!
We just never know......
our efforts may someday help one of us.





Hey Ladies:
I love you and your lady lumps!
tata for now

WE ROCK!!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

{Buttermilk biscuits here we go...
slap that flour on the dough!}

Warning:  Men should avoid reading this post.
It could change everything you love about breastessez.
Please, for God's sake....
TURN AWAY NOW!!!!
And if you don't, 
just know that you
 HAVE BEEN WARNED!



For all of you who haven't hit the 40 mark yet......
An FYI:
Your insurance company will take it upon themselves to call and remind you that you are old and your body could be turning on itself, 
"so can we go ahead and schedule a mammogram for you today?"

For all of you who have hit the 40 mark and beyond.....
you already know what it feels like to have your boobs look like a cone of roadkill  under a plate of glass.

Today was my 40 year old mammagram day.
I've had a few (3) mamms in my younger years because of cysts.
The results have always come out just fine and clean of any concern.
But the last time I was in the crusher was over 10 years ago.  All I could remember from that go 'round, was that the mammy lady got my rib stuck along with my tata and pressed the plate down with such force, to the point that I was without voice trying to scream,
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
No one heard my mime cry for help and I left with a bruise.
(although, it's not really that shocking if you know me....
I'm like a bruise-a-holic....go figure!)

Needless to say, today I started to get myself into a nervous, menopausal  hot flash right before the appointment.
"Shit!!!"  I yelled running (with my stupid boot) back up to my bathroom to apply a 3rd coat of deo and some over the top body spray.
Because I'm telling you....
NOBODY,
and I mean 
NOBODY
wants to smell anotha motha's stank!

Whew!....I felt refreshed as a field of daisies, except that I was still pouring sweat down my back and head that stemmed from the inferno inside of me.
There are just some things that a person peri-menopausal can't control, and I realized that, with only 5 minutes left out of a 10 minute drive to get to my appointment.
Oh well....I'm just thankful I took that time to put on that extra layer of pit juice!
'Better to be late than smell like fish bait' 
is what I always say!
(No...not really.  
I just barely made that up.)



I am guided into a room that is about 4 x 4 and given a gown  and instructions to wipe.
Instructions:  Take a MammoWipe and wipe off all of your deodorant.

ARE YOU CLUCKING SERIOUS????!?!?
I just ran two flights of stairs in a boot to specifically re-apply the Secret Solid which made me late and required me to speed the Banger doing 80.....
And now you want me to take it off with a MammoWipe???!!??

OK, FINE!
WhatEVER!


The boiling sweat and the boot running, had flattened my already bad 'do and made my eyeliner run to the corners of my eyes.
I'm kind of used to looking haggard these days, so not a shocker when I looked in the mirror.
But it was this reflection of the gown, the boot, and the tennis shoe, that threw me over the edge!
"So.....this is what 40 looks like!?!?"
I said to myself in disappointment.

I walked out of my room where a nice older lady greeted me.
She introduced herself and told me she would be giving me my mammajamma.  Also, she didn't want me to worry about a thing because she's been doing this for over 30 years!
And I'm like, DAMN GINA!
Then, before I knew it, that lady had me dis-robed and my right breast in both her hands.
She was molding, jiggling, and squishing it every which way.
At this point I am in shock for two reasons:
1) the sudden attention that my righty is getting by an old lady
2) the way she handles my boobies is the same as a person handling biscuit dough!
Slapping, tapping, kneading, flattening.
I was just waiting for her to try to spin one in the air like a pizza.

The whole "biscuit rolling" took only 5 minutes.
Slam, bam, thank ya mam!
This lady was gooooooood!
She was also kind and said a lot of really nice things about my teets....
cuz apparently she's seen a lot of teets and mine aren't half bad :)

I looked in the mirror one last time as I was dressing......
"So.....this is what 40 looks like"
I said to myself again, but this time with a smile on my face.
Because even if the compliment comes from a dough rollin, pizza slappin, mammagramma old lady,
it's still a compliment.
And I will take it!