{Guilty as charged}

When the fashion police convict me of the "ugly in public" crime, I will have to plead guilty.

I am guilty of choosing comfort over fashion...

!!!!!WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

I had no choice people!!!

Please!!!  

You must try to understand!!!

Let me explain:

Since I've turned the smelly ripe old age of 40, I've been doing life evaluations.....

some of the thoughts are in sane mind,

and some were in a not-so-sane mind.

But all the same, I decided that I want to try challenges and new experiences.

I'm shedding the say "NO" to life adventure's lizard skin and rebirthing a rainbow of glorious say "YES" skin.

Either that, or I have a really bad rash.

I signed up for a running clinic.

Just that right there should make most people laugh.

I am NOT a runner...

hell, most of you have seen me dance, walk, and try anything athletic, and it's apparent that I am missing the coordination gene.

The running clinic intrigued me for a couple reasons:

1~My galpal Lisa is in it.

(she is outta my league...she runs marathons)

2~The amazing trainer of the running clinic, Angela, told me that she does not promote running, she promotes and teaches proper body motion....even if that means teaching me how to walk like an upright homosapien without knock-knees and twisted-sister ankles.  She said that I may not come out of it a "runner", but my body will be transformed by summer's start.

I say that is incentive enough!

3~My new "yes" skin made me do it.

The clinic is for 7 weeks/2x week.

Lisa then tells me that we will have homework in between meetings.

I felt a little decieved....

nobody told me about homework until after my credit card payment went through.

ARGH!!!!

No backing out now.......

Anyway....back to fashion police issues.

I had to get a good pair of running shoes.

One's that would compensate for my freakish walk, and that would also comfort my neuorma'ed fragileeee feets.

Warning:

What you are about to see is embarrassing.

YOU will be embarrassed for ME.

These are my new running shoes.

They remind me of the Sketcher's rocker-platform-butt-enhance shoe.

(which I am totally NOT a fan of)

They also remind me of shoes that a person with one leg shorter than the other would need.

Supposedly, they are a top brand of running shoe, and when you are professionally fitted for running shoes, they purposely make you purchase fug-shoes 2 freakin sizes larger than your normal.

 I wear a 7.5......these boats are 9.5!!!!!

Looks like they've got some good reflectors on em.

I guess if people can't hear me coming from the slapping of the pavement in my dorko treads, they will be sure to see me with the glow of the big toe.

Wish me luck!!!

Signed,

Foresta Gump

{No broken bones}

For Jax's birthday extravaganza, we went to the place that I like to call

"Foot -and -Ass and -Pee and

 -Brats and -Germ infested and

-give me a shot of whiskey now!"

Skating fun house

Anyone who lives in Utah knows the smell and parental mental anguish that

 "Classic Skating" gives off.

But for a kid.....

It's a dream come true :)

We had pizza, cupcakes, ice cream, skating, skootering, jumpy house and fun.

What we didn't have was broken bones!!!

((((((Hallelujah!!!!  Hallelujah!!!))))))

I am always a little concerned when I am responsible for other people's kids and they are on wheels doing face-plants.

I don't think my insurance covers that.

Jax was very spoiled with gifts!!!!

Over $100 in cash and gift cards!!!

Elliott made this helicopter special for Jax :)

I assume since the parents have to take out a 2nd mortgage on their house to pay for this kind of party, the "Foot and Ass" Center throws in a little something fun for the birthday kid.

Spin the wheel and let's all wait in anticipation to see what we get!!!!!!

Oh!!!  What could it possibly be?????

It's a strobe laser necklace!!!!!! (retails $1) 

What a blast it is to have your birthday child take his winning strobe necklace and continually stick it up to your eyes!!!!!

It's like a bad trip without the drugs.

Then you have to warn the birthday child that if he ever wants another birthday again in his short-lived life, he will keep that damn strober within 100 feet from eyeballs!!!!!!

Jax loves this spinning the wheel kind of stuff....I can totally see him hosting Price is Right some day.

Then came time for

THE MONEY TUBE!!!!!!!

Does it get any better than that????

HELL NO IT DOESN'T!!!

Well, maybe if it were real money to pay off that 2nd mortgage from said party!

He was able to get a green binky necklace from all of his grabbed earnings.

yes.....a binky

and I thought the strober was annoying.

Sometimes I just have to say WOW, and HMMMMM, and 

ALRIGHTY THEN,

 because there are no other words to describe my feelings of 

"kids are weird".

We all had a great time, but more importantly, 

Jax had the best birthday ever!!!!

I would do it all again just to see this kind of joy.

(I will remember to bring my flask next time tho)

{What's in a name?}

The Discovery Channel has a stupid series called "Gold Rush".

This fella (above) is one of the lead peeps in the mining story.

His name is:

Jack Hoffman

Say that 3 times really fast.

{Jax}

Jax has always had an appetite for food and independence.

Jax couldn't do a bottle after 6 months.

He was eating oatmeal, mashed potatoes, and applesauce before the" appropriate age" of feeding babies real food.

WE HAD TO!!!!

The dude was hungry ALL THE TIME and only real food would satisfy him!

Eventually, he got frustrated with the time it took for ME to shovel the food in his mouth and decided that he would need to take over.

He was a natural at the "spoon in hand....spoon to mouth" motor skill.

Seriously, Jax is the youngest kid I know that started his own feeding program.

He needed to feed himself to keep up that healthy butt!

And today momma's little piggy is 11.

He is such a handsome young man.

Each year he shows us his strengths as his personality grows.

Each year I get more and more excited to see what path he will pave for the rest of us.

I am his teacher...

but I have learned much more from him.

Happy Birthday to my Jaxy-boy

{Adele obsessed}

Okay....that's it!

I am officially obsessed with her lyrics and style.

This record, that also has 'Someone like you' on it, was written by Adele after a breakup.

This chick is so amazingly talented.

I think she is my new celebrity girl crush.

{Someone like you}

I heard Adele sing this song on Ellen today, and even though the words are not descriptive of my life experience, I still can appreciate the passionate lyrics,  Adele's beautiful face, and her glorious voice.

I could listen to this over and over.....

actually, I have.

{crap=pots}

Einstein:  I don't know why anyone would want to eat junk food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

They are just putting their life at risk.

Me:  Yep, you're right Jax!  

What made you think of that right at this moment??

Einstein:  Well, I was just thinking that I've never had the chicken pots and I'm glad you didn't let me eat junk food all the time.

Me:  What does chicken pox have to do with eating junk food??

Einstein:  Mom!!!  Everyone knows that you get the pots when you eat crap.

{Loony Bin}

I've been asked how I am able to do all this kind of partying as a wife, mother, teacher....40 year old woman.

I suppose that by looking at my posts in the last month+, it would look as if that was all that my life consisted of.

I haven't posted much about my family which would lead anyone to believe that life is all about ME right now, and I have shipped the rest of my household off to Neverland Ranch.

This assumption would be as far from the truth as the lie that Charlie Sheen isn't a coke-head wife beater.

I post what I have control over, and cocoon the rest.

The reality of my year, is that I have had tragic, life changing news brought to my attention.

I have done my best to be the "good girl", the "good mom", the "stand-up law abiding citizen" doing what is right.......

 all the while being drug through mud that obviously has shards of glass and cleavers hidden within the muck.

I have come out scarred and cut to the bone.....

 despite the healthy part of me saying I am indestructible. 

The year has depleted me from everything that I once was.

It crept up on me like an invisible freight train carrying a load of shit.

By the time I saw the large locomotive light coming for me,

 it was too late.

 I was not quick witted enough to jump out of the way.

It hit me with full force and dumped it's whole load on my head.

Yes....it stinks and there is nothing pretty about it.

After spending more than a week in tears (all day), no motivation, and short fused, I contacted my doctor in hopes that she would drug me into a better reality.

I have felt this sadness and uncontrolled despair one other time in my life.

It was 1995.....the year my baby brother committed suicide.

I hated having this familiar feeling rear it's head again.

It feels like a scary-psycho clown getting a kick out of fucking with my sanity.

My doctor started me on Celexa.

It started off well until the side-effects found their way.

Headaches, nausea, panic attacks, insomnia, and loss of memory.

But hey.....at least I wasn't crying 23 out of the 24 hours in a day!

I am slowly weaning myself off of Celexa until I can get to the doc for a try at a different crazy pill.

Yay!!!  This experiment is gonna be fun!

I have many friends and family who have given support and love....

(and others who can't handle any of it, and choose not to even talk to me about it)

but as we all know, sometimes even that just isn't enough.

I visited a counselor for the first time last week.

Boy!!!  Let me tell you how hard it was for me to make and keep that appointment!!!!

I take pride in being "with it"....

having my shit together....

living with enough intelligence that I can figure out my own psycho-neurotics!!!

And hell.....I am everyone else's therapist!  

Why would I even need one if I'm that good?!

I need help because I'm spiraling out of mental clarity and I cannot make rational decisions.

Again.....I am depleted.

My appointment with the counselor was only 50 minutes long, but I left with many "AH HA" moments and words of great poignancy from a gal that is probably 10 years my junior.

(I really had to get over the fact that she was younger than me...

it was easy to do once she proved to be smarter than me)

As we were ending the emotional session, she said that my story reminds her of notations made by biologists.

When they study the inner rings on trees, sometimes they come across a very thin growth ring sandwiched between healthy-girthed growth rings.

The thin ring reveals the state of what that particular year entailed for the tree.

Lack of water, harsh winter, shallow sunlight, and maybe even disease contributes to a dormant growth.

My intuitive- young- mental angel therapist,

 grabbed my hands and with tears in her eyes,

told me that 

my growth ring will be thin this year.

I processed the analogy and left feeling at peace.

I do know that my ring will be bold and large again some day :)

{Laugh, pee, cry..girl time}

(faces blocked to protect the innocent)

A few weeks ago when all three of my guys were at a scout-o-rama winter camp, 

I called up the girlies and we had fun-o-rama night of our own!!!!

There was an abundance of food, drink, laughing, cackling, snorting, peeing pants, and goofy-ness.

We all turn the clock back to adolescence when in "girl-time" mode.

It's hard for me to explain in words...

So let me show you in pictures.

Exhibit #1

Chelsea Handler (my new best celebrity friend)

and her midget love, Chuy.

In this photo, you will see that Paula is playing Chuy.  She was so into the role that she didn't hold back from groping my left mammary.

Exhibit #2

The height of Chuy's lil' body vs. Chelsea's stature, put's him right at "hand in crotch" level.

In this photo, I play Chuy.

I personally prefer being the one that is groped, 

so I will probably opt to play Chelsea in future photo shoots...

although, Paula does makes a good Chelsea look-a-like.

Lisa and I moved on to playing gansta beauty queens.

Who knew Utah sprouted so much talent?????

To all of my many Hollywood/talent-scout readers:

if you like what you see.....

Call me :)

There's more where this came from!

{Sleeper Beauty}

Yesterday we had a field trip to the Capitol Theatre to see 

Sleeping Beauty, the ballet.

Jax has the opinion that everyone and everything is gay these days.

With his thought process, and no holds bar of stating his opinion,

I purposely took a notepad and pen to document Jax's comments along the way.

Jax rubber-necked out the window as we followed 2nd South to our destination.

All was quiet until he started shaking his head in confusion....

COMMENT #1

"I just don't think I will ever understand public art".

Comment was made after seeing a bicycle stand in the shape of a bicycle.

who thinks like this?????

After making a delayed turn into an overpriced parking garage 

($8 for 2 hours), 

and then having a frustrating time finding a parking space that wasn't on the 20th level, 

Jax says to me,

COMMENT #2

"Mom..... You ok? 

 Cuz ya know, I have no problem filing a complaint about this stupid place!"

A smile replaced the tension on my face.

(Holy crap!!! I didn't realize that Jax was this much taller than Paula until I looked at this picture!!!

During Christmas, we had a height contest...Jax and Paula were exactly the same height. 

 He is now 5' 3 1/2"....we had to measure him this morn)

When I think of ballet, 3 things come to mind.

1~Grandma and her love of the arts

2~Men's dongers in tights

3~Paula, and her love of the arts and men's dongers in tights!

I had to extend an invite to Paula.

Paula met us at the entrance with a glow of donger anticipation!

The audience was very well behaved considering that there were butt bus loads of kids from all over the valley.

About 15 minutes into scene #1, Jax leans to me with his head in his hand, and in a tired monotone voice says,

COMMENT #3

"I'm NEVER coming to the ballet again.  

This is boring"

I couldn't blame the poor lad. 

The costumes were out of this world and the talent was beyond extraordinary, but for an 11 year old boy to watch men's dongers in tights, and girls twirl in tutu's, was like forcing him into a beauty parlor to get his nails done.

COMMENT #4

"Are these people wearing leather on their faces???  I swear!! NOBODY can keep a creepy smile on their face that long!!!  And really....who has that white of teeth?"

COMMENT #5

"heeeeeeheeeee haw haw ((tears)) wahoooo hee hee"

This was Jax's response at first sight of men in tights jumping like fairies in the air.

He got me and Paula laughing so hard we had tears.

After the show, we parted ways with Paula.

Jax and I were famished and walked to the nearby Olive Garden for a soup n salad.

Jax was a happy boy.  

I asked what he thought of the entire afternoon.

COMMENT #6

"I really enjoyed it all mom.  All I had to do was look at Paula and see how much she was enjoying it!!!  It made me so happy to see her smiling.  I don't think that girl blinked once!!  I know, cuz I just kept staring at her "

:)

So I'm pretty sure this will be one of the last times we attend the ballet due to too much testosterone, but I'm glad my boy could experience the fine arts and the enjoyment of two lovely ladies smiling over mens dongers in tights.

Poor kid....

{Chelsea Handler.....

my idol}

I just finished this book (above)

 and picked up her second , "My Horizontal Life".

It has few chapters and is a fast read, 

but FULL of offensive humor that had me laughing out loud!!!

You have to be intelligent to be funny.

Chelsea's level of funny proves her to be genius!!!

Below is a snippet from the book....probably one of the 'cleanest' ones that I could find.

If you like this....you will LOVE the rest of the book.

If you are disgusted by this snippet, then RUN!!!

Run as far away from this book as possible because it's oozing humor could spewge on ya.

"The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)