{quit fingerin' my dough dude!}

While shopping at Sam's Club, which was the same dreadful day I was blindsided by the cow tongue heap (see the previous post),

I bought a tub of cookie dough.

I specifically remember my fingers being very busy texting Chelise, so I had to mime-mouth-point-head-side-guide in Jax's face to grab the tub for me.

(yes, it took all of those actions for Jax to understand the universal language of "hey! grab that shiz!")

See, Jax is a baker, a shaker, and thank god not a candle stick maker.  What a mess that would be!

I usually try to make a "healthier" version of cookie dough to keep on hand when Jax needs to feed his addiction.

But this particular day, I said, "Oh, who gives a shit!" and paid $7 for a glob o'crap that I encouraged my kid to woof down.

Jax likes cookie dough baked or unbaked by the spoon full.

ALL RIGHT!!!  ALL RIGHT!!!

I KNOW ALREADY!!!

JAX COULD GET MELANOMA FROM EATING THE RAW INGREDIENTS!!!

QUIT YELLING AT ME!!!!!

OH WAIT, OR IS IT SALMONELLA???

I CAN NEVER REMEMBER.

So, my point is...!...

 that sometimes the little things just need to truly

not give a shit in our lives!!!

We take everything so freakishly serious, and I for one want to scream, 

"eat raw dough balls everyone!!! 

take a chance in life! 

weeeeeeeeee!"
Okay whatever! 
It's all fun and games until someone gets the dysentery squirts!

As I was saying....

I was texting Chelise, 

I had Jax do the job of "dough to the cart",  

and trusted that we would get a product fully sealed and fully full.

WRONG-O DONG-O!!!!!!

This is what we got

.

.

.

.

.

A container 1/2 empty with finger marks going through the evidence.

OK, my question to you........

Do people seriously get sooooo famished during their shopping chore, that they stop in the dairy section to grab a little snackie and then pretend like it never happened????

Because we all know there are plenty of those little carts with little crotchety old ladies, demonstrating the flavors of spreadable cheese!

NO ONE needs to be going to the lengths that the "cookie monster" went to for a "tide me over".

I wanna see some hidden camera footage of this going down!

My suspicion is that is was an employee.

(it's a little know fact that I could be from the Nancy Drew lineage.  I'm very good at finding evidence, investigating the purp's involved, and solving the crime in record time!

Just ask my kids!)

I'll bet that he choses his snacks wisely, and has a twisted fetish for stealing foods and getting away with it.

Someone needs to do an snack smack down on the donut, pumpkin pie, croissant, and candy isles!!!

Who knows where this sick-o has rummaged!!!

I guess it's that employee's way of stickin' it to THE man!!!

Well Mr. CookieDough assulter employee!!!!

Lemme just tell you right now!

1) I don't appreciate getting my dough all fingered

2)  I'm not THE man...so quit stickin' it to me!!!!!

gah!!!!

Sam's Club is on my cah cah pooh pooh list!

{Not even fry sauce can help this}

 I was skimming the meat department at Sam's Club, hoping something would jump out at me saying, "cook me for dinner".

While nothing had a 'pick me, pick me' sign on it, I was muthersucker-punched when my eyes grazed a pile o' cow tongue.

Let me explain something to you.....

For me, the sick shit about cow tongue is more than looking at it's tough, nubbie, multicolored texture, plastic wrapped in a meat case.

Seeing this brings back nauseating memories from being a child and living in Idaho.

OHHHHH!!!!! God forbid I could ever get french fries, 

but I was made to eat boiled cow tongue with fry sauce!

AND WE AREN'T 

EVEN MEXICAN!!!!

(Isn't cow tongue a mexi-delight????

Along with cow stomach, balls and poop shoot?)

I don't know the reason behind the feeding cruelty, 

but it sucked a big tongue one!

Not even fry sauce can cover the awful experience of cow tongue.

I think you would need whiskey and fire to do that!

I'm not kidding when I tell you that the taste ranks up there with what I can envision eating a rubberized, chewy dog toy flavored with cow blood and dipped in huge amounts of fry sauce so that it "doesn't look so bad", would taste like!

On days that "the tongue" was being served, Damon and I would ask to eat our dinner outside by our sandbox.

We had a German Shepherd next door that loved it when we threw our cow tongue over the fence for him to devour.  We kept the fry sauce for ourselves and licked it up!  We knew that this  was the closest thing we would get to a freakin french fry!

KIDS NEED FRIES DAMMIT!!!

Crazy how just a trip to the store can stir up emotional duress!!!

I ask the question for the 1,354,765,870 time.....

you wonder why I drink????

And now we can add......

you wonder why I have food issues??

Jax just asked me how the cows will be able to eat without their tongues

?????????????

{she doesn't have to die now}

I am non-committal.

Or I should say, I have a super duper quadlooper hard time making a final committment.

To just about anything.

Even down to a TV series.

I should really talk to my therapist about the commitment issues I have to people and  inanimate objects.

Probably stems from my younger years of never having french fries*.

*I have no idea what the hell french fries have to do with any of this, but I needed something to direct the blame to

**We were a very frugal family, and were not allowed to get fries or drink with the hamburger.

HAMBURGER ONLY PLEASE

NO FRIES FOR YOU!

River asked me and my cuz's what famous person we would want to kill off if we could.
Yes, these are the convo's we have.
Does that surprise you?
Come on now!

We all voted for Christina Aguilera to die.

die! die! die!

Her flub ups at the Super Bowl, her bad hair weave, and her

 "aaaaa aaaaaa AAAAAAAAAA"

singing and hand moving to the upper levels of her voice, just makes you want to cork her with her bedazzled microphone.

My opinions of Christina and my (non)commitment to a TV series, has done a turn-about-face!

I LOVE THE VOICE!!!

Did you see it last night????

Oh my hell!!!!

Can I just say 

"A-d-a-m L-e-v-i-n-e"!!!!!  

OOOOOO LA LA ROCKER HOT STUFFS!!!

he totally turns my crank!

Ceelo, and Blake are way cool dudes, and

Christina proves to have a brain and a heart.

Maybe she went to see the wizard before the show...

who knows?
I'm not putting her head on the chopping block anymore.

Whomever put this panel together was a music/entertainment Einstein.

(Forget about Carson Daily....he's a drag.  Not really worth mentioning)

Did you see the opening song they sang together????

"Crazy"

aaaaaahhhhh :)

It totally rocked my world people!!!!

There is some awesome talent to come out of this and I can't wait to see what the artist's plans are with each contestant.

Hello. 

My name is Jolie. 

I am a Voice Show and Adam Levine addict.

There! I said it.

{Vacations suck}

We are back in town, and back to routine.....

But only in body.

Not in spirit.

Vacations suck because there is an inevitable ending.

And when you have a week with peeps and family that rock your world.....

you can't envision resuming your normal schedule without them.

I will re-cap our week up in the Verd with you as soon as my family signs the waivers to let me post their videos for all to see.

You have NO idea what a family get-together is,

UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN MY FAMILY SHINDIG!

It's a little bit country,

 a little bit rock-n-roll, 

a little bit crazy 

and a little bit porno.

Yep.....I think that explains it!

Oh, I left out one thing....

It's LOTSA lOvE, laUGhs, AnD fUn too!!!

 :)

{Poor lil ugly bunny}

picture is taken in our small single wide trailer in Lehi.

me (bunny), Adam and Danna

I cherish this picture.

Danna has always been a wonderful mother to me.

With Easter just a hop-skip-and jump around the corner,

I thought I'd give you the segment that I like to call,

EASTER FLASHBACK FROM FROM 1980...

 "IS THAT THE EASTER BUNNY OR JUST A POOR LIL UGLY GIRL  WITH OVER SIZED-BUCKED TEETH, TURNED UP NOSE, ROSY CHUNKY CHEEKS, AND POT BELLY???  CUZ SERIOUSLY, 

SHE LOOK-A LIKE-A BUNNY

...Awe POOR LIL UGLY BUNNY" 

In my defense, I was going through the pubescent FUG's (and I don't mean a fudge pop).  It didn't matter what I did, I just looked so gawky and un-cool.  It's a good thing that Lehi was so uncool and behind the times, because every girl I went to school with was in the same dork-o boat with me......

Well, except Michelle White who's dad was the richest man in town because he was a dentist and her mom was a hairdresser, which meant that Michelle always had a good perm, straight teeth and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

We all hated Michelle.

Thank god for my later years when I found braces, black eyeliner, pants that were long enough, and AquaNet. 

hmmmmm.....but then again, I'm not so sure going from an ugly bunny to a wildebeest is any better?

see example below

.

.

.

.

OH YIKES!!!!

My hell!!!  

Remind me to NEVER bring that picture out again!

Anyway, enough of scary blasts from the past.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter with lots of love, good food, and are not going to be stuck in a truck for 12 hours with 3 dudes' stinky boiled egg farts like I am :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

{Marketing genius}

Seriously?????

Who came up with this?

Because when I think of beef jerky, 

I don't envision it being big, hairy, happy or mild.

 I don't ever want anything in my mouth that is called SASQUATCH!!!!

I can tell you that RIGHT NOW!

This is something I would expect to see in the "Blue Boutique"

((wink, wink))  If ya know what I mean!?!?

{Not your average popcicle stand}

The summer entrepreneur-ing has started.....

An innocent ice cream stand to make a buck could be shut down due to the unmarketable name.

The FU G-PoP stand.

only 50 cents!

Apparently it would take too much time to look on the box and copy the spelling of fudge pop.

(yes, he should know how to spell this on his own anyway....

but do you see what I'm dealing with here?!?)

uhhhhhhhem....

Jaxy, Jaxy, Jaxy.......

We are so screwed when it comes to any kind of college scholarship!

And you wonder why I drink????

{Born to be loved

Born to be free}

Jax and I took a field trip to the Clark Planetarium.

It was a planned trip for just he and I.....

it wasn't part of the school program.

Yah...I jump out of the box like that sometimes!

We've always loved this place, but each time we go, it seems so much smaller than the last visit.

Maybe it's because Jax is growing and I'm getting fat, so everything around us is small in comparison?

Who knows.

Our main purpose of that day at the planetarium, was to see the IMAX BORN TO BE WILD 3D.

These 3D glasses are exactly the same...I don't know why they look so different on each of us.  Could be my claw bang that changes it up?!?

The movie is 40 minutes long, is narrated by Morgan Freeman 

(how can you go wrong with Morgan Freeman?),

and proves that the lines between human and animal differences can be blurred.

All living beings need love.....

especially the babes.

I won't ruin the movie for you by giving details,

but I highly recommend this movie for ALL ages.

(bring a tissue or two)

It makes you realize that all species depend on the other for survival.

(((((Best movie/documentary I've seen this year! 

Jax agreed.

$6 adults and children before 5:30

$8 for adults after 5:30)))))

{This boot is made for walking}

Nothin' says sexy-momma like a walking boot.

UMMMMM HMMMMM

I can truly say I'm a rockin' and a walkin'.

It's HOT!

And when I say HOT....

I mean sweaty.

So by now you all know what a wonderful athlete I am 

((yah WHATever!))

and the amazing grace that I hold as I slinkily walk around looking so put together.

With that being said.....

can you guess how I have already managed to f*ck up even the boot helper????

I kicked and tripped over my other ankle with the hard toe of my black booty......

It took a lil skin off and I'm already seeing a bit of bruising.

Apparently, these boots aren't made for ostriches.

I should have went to a veterinarian for help.

My next adventure!!!!!

Contacting the Rockettes to see if they need a gimp boot-toe in their line up!

Or maybe the zoo could use me in their bird show?

Gotta keep on trying!!!!!

(just when you think you've got it bad....just come back to look at my blog......)

{the champ}

The boxing coach says Riv is a natural....

I'm not surprised.

The boy has been determined to transform his life and body.

Since December, he has lost 7 pounds, grown 2 inches taller, lost a total of 6.75 inches in girth, and has gone from 32% body fat to 20%.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO DO THAT??!?!?

His legs are as strong as Oak trees and he packs a punch that would make a grown man cry.

This kid amazes and inspires me to fight for the good in life.

~My Champ~

 {HEY YOU GUYYYYYYS!}

The resemblance is a bit disturbing

{My 12 a day}

Is this what it comes down to???

Drugging my way through life hoping to get in a few more good years???

I'm afraid so.

This is my daily regimen.

Oh!  And...I forgot to show the acai berry mixture that I drink 3 oz of every day.....(just pretend you see the bottle).

We've got the raw-whole food daily vitamin(s), the calcium and the vita D for my bones, the lil pinkie is for my acid reflux, my crazy pill that I have reduced to half, my infamous yellow Turmeric for liver detox and skin health,  

(see mystery turmeric story here)

and the green Spirulina for which I can't remember exactly why I take....I just know the girl who wrote "Chill out and get Healthy" told me to.

And yes, I would jump off a cliff if she said leap!

I take people's advice very seriously!

Ok...you can quit rolling your eyes now.

We all know that I DO WHAT I WANT!

and scream the words daily, 

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

Anyway.......

Awesome book BTW....every woman should read this.

Apparently I need to re-read it to educated myself on the green algae pills I take everyday.

The interesting part in taking all of these "supplements", is that I don't really know if they are working.  But now that I've been taking them for so long (most of them), I'm scared to stop.  

WHAT IF????.....just WHAT IF one of these capsules are keeping me from getting a hammer toe?  or hindering that extra inch of sag in the boobage area? or helping keep the ear wax under control???

Do I really think that they are preventing these things? 

I HAVE NO FRICKIN IDEA...

?????

MAYBE SO....

MAYBE NO.

Am I willing to take the chance that these bodily freak-outs could happen if I quit taking my jagged little pills???

HELL NO!

So for now, I will continue with my 12 a day and I'm sure there will be some addition to those as time decides to age me.

Is anyone with me in this boat????

Or am I the only freak out at the shark bering sea without a life jacket???

{things that ROCK my world}

Inexpensive cosmetics that don't feel cheap...

ROCKS MY WORLD!

The e.l.f. (eyes. lips. face) line is like bottom dollar, and works like a million bucks!!!

"Super glossy lip gloss" has a shine that lasts, and I have yet to find a color I do not like.

Cost: ONE dolla billa

a.k.a $1

Since my hair (curtains) is on the dark side for a time being, I have to darken my eyebrows (throw pillows).

Your curtains and throw pillows should coincide.

It's kind of like a bodily feng shui without the bonsai tree.

I'm not EVEN gonna go there with talk about matching rugs 

(you know what that is! no need for explanation).

I had full intentions of hitting Ulta Cosmetics for some eyebrow corrector-filler-in-er-darken-er.

I was prepared to spend at least a 20 spot on the shiz.

Luckily, I made a detour to Target Cosmetics first, and found the e.l.f. eyebrow kit for the astonishing price of

$3!!!!!

It comes with gel filler (left square), powder finisher (right square), and a nice little angled application brush (the thing that looks like a nice little angled application brush).

I love the results!!!!

Don't be afraid to try the e.l.f. line.....

it's inexpensive enough to redecorate your entire media room (face) for a whole new look.

Design on a dime baby!!!!

{A girls best friend}

Yesterday Chelise put her beloved Sam to rest.

He had been her side kick for 14 years.

Some of the things we will all miss from 
Big ol' Sam:

~His fart punches

~His spontaneous bark at absolutely nothing

~The sound of his large paws galloping down the cement

~His way of greeting a person by pushing his ginormous body against you for a pat on the back

~Him eating my favorite Vicky's bra

 (ok, he was only a pup when he did that)

But most of all,

we will miss his presence and the love/protection he gave to his core family.

WUFF, WUFWUF, WUFF.... Sam

(means rest in peace big black Sam)

love you Chelise

{shove this ice bag up your ars!}

A week ago Saturday, I ran 3.5 miles from my house to the local library.

Half of the way to the library was uphill which made the half coming home, downhill.

I felt strong and determined.

Everything was great....

until I got home.

Once I sat down, I could feel pain and swelling on the inside of my ankle.

I just thought that I'd probably not stretched enough before the run.

I started massaging the area along with moving my foot in all directions hoping to loosen up the muscles/tendons. 

BIG MISTAKE!!!!

The swelling and pain got worse!

I pretty much laid in bed the rest of the next couple days with ice packs.

(which numbed some of the pain, 

but hasn't helped with the swelling)

Tuesday I showed up for my running group.

My ankle was still swollen, but not as painful after popping a few Ibuprofen.

I was running and running and running and then BLAM!

At about the 4 mile mark, my ankle gave me the F-U and decided it was NOT going any further.

I had to finish the course in a brisk, excruciating walk.

That was a week ago.

I haven't ran since, nor can I hardly walk for long periods of time without my foot throbbing from the morphing into a kankle.

It's not pretty.

AND, It is very frustrating.

AND I am still ankle-cuffed to my industrial ice bag.

I finally went to a podiatrist once I got it through my thick head that this injury was as stubborn as I was.

He took X-Rays and pushed and prodded and asked if it hurt when he "did this".

And I was like, "Yes it hurts you assmunch!  Doesn't the beads of sweat and gritting teeth clue you in?"

Then he wanted to watch me walk.

His comment was, "Yes!  You have quite a limp.  This looks to be very painful for you."

I wanted to punch him.

Anyway, he came to the conclusion that I most probably have a stress fracture.

"REALLY?????  YOU THINK SO INSPECTOR GADGET???"

The internet pretty much told me that without making me pay a $25 copay to be a torture victim.

Apparently x-rays will not show a stress fracture so I now have an appointment on Friday for a bone scan.

In the mean-time,

 I am to NOT run for 6-8 weeks,

I am supposed to continue to ice the injury,

 (I'm this close to being an Eskimo with all the icing I've done),

and take a shiz-load of calcium and vita D.

( I know how Sally Fields feels now as she promotes Citrical for old lady bone density)

I've pushed myself through this program with bronchitis, aches, and exhaustion.  I wanted to come out of it a strong winner in my own body....and I believed that I would with the will power and commitment that I gave.

(The race is this Saturday)

The harsh acceptance that I will not graduate at a finish line......

makes me disappointed, frustrated and very sad.

Ostriches, ankles, ice bags and turning 40 SUCKs!