{Loony Bin}

I've been asked how I am able to do all this kind of partying as a wife, mother, teacher....40 year old woman.

I suppose that by looking at my posts in the last month+, it would look as if that was all that my life consisted of.

I haven't posted much about my family which would lead anyone to believe that life is all about ME right now, and I have shipped the rest of my household off to Neverland Ranch.

This assumption would be as far from the truth as the lie that Charlie Sheen isn't a coke-head wife beater.

I post what I have control over, and cocoon the rest.

The reality of my year, is that I have had tragic, life changing news brought to my attention.

I have done my best to be the "good girl", the "good mom", the "stand-up law abiding citizen" doing what is right.......

 all the while being drug through mud that obviously has shards of glass and cleavers hidden within the muck.

I have come out scarred and cut to the bone.....

 despite the healthy part of me saying I am indestructible. 

The year has depleted me from everything that I once was.

It crept up on me like an invisible freight train carrying a load of shit.

By the time I saw the large locomotive light coming for me,

 it was too late.

 I was not quick witted enough to jump out of the way.

It hit me with full force and dumped it's whole load on my head.

Yes....it stinks and there is nothing pretty about it.

After spending more than a week in tears (all day), no motivation, and short fused, I contacted my doctor in hopes that she would drug me into a better reality.

I have felt this sadness and uncontrolled despair one other time in my life.

It was 1995.....the year my baby brother committed suicide.

I hated having this familiar feeling rear it's head again.

It feels like a scary-psycho clown getting a kick out of fucking with my sanity.

My doctor started me on Celexa.

It started off well until the side-effects found their way.

Headaches, nausea, panic attacks, insomnia, and loss of memory.

But hey.....at least I wasn't crying 23 out of the 24 hours in a day!

I am slowly weaning myself off of Celexa until I can get to the doc for a try at a different crazy pill.

Yay!!!  This experiment is gonna be fun!

I have many friends and family who have given support and love....

(and others who can't handle any of it, and choose not to even talk to me about it)

but as we all know, sometimes even that just isn't enough.

I visited a counselor for the first time last week.

Boy!!!  Let me tell you how hard it was for me to make and keep that appointment!!!!

I take pride in being "with it"....

having my shit together....

living with enough intelligence that I can figure out my own psycho-neurotics!!!

And hell.....I am everyone else's therapist!  

Why would I even need one if I'm that good?!

I need help because I'm spiraling out of mental clarity and I cannot make rational decisions.

Again.....I am depleted.

My appointment with the counselor was only 50 minutes long, but I left with many "AH HA" moments and words of great poignancy from a gal that is probably 10 years my junior.

(I really had to get over the fact that she was younger than me...

it was easy to do once she proved to be smarter than me)

As we were ending the emotional session, she said that my story reminds her of notations made by biologists.

When they study the inner rings on trees, sometimes they come across a very thin growth ring sandwiched between healthy-girthed growth rings.

The thin ring reveals the state of what that particular year entailed for the tree.

Lack of water, harsh winter, shallow sunlight, and maybe even disease contributes to a dormant growth.

My intuitive- young- mental angel therapist,

 grabbed my hands and with tears in her eyes,

told me that 

my growth ring will be thin this year.

I processed the analogy and left feeling at peace.

I do know that my ring will be bold and large again some day :)