{Did this really happen?}
I have continued to communicate with my 'Baby Mama' via email.
It has been so therapeutic and informational for the both of us. Nothing really is off limits, yet we rarely get deep in our conversations.
Baby Mama is pregnant again. This time with a husband and a planned, wanted pregnancy.
She has been sick and very emotional. I think that hormones have stirred up some unsettled questions regarding her and I.
Let me start by letting you know, that my love, bond and gratitude to Baby Mama is unwavering. She is part of my soul, and I accept her for who she is.
With that being said, Baby Mama is a coo-coo, forgetful, numb-brain when it comes to recalling pieces of our experience.
The most recent letter I received, asked me questions that made me wonder if I was the only person awake/coherent through stirrup exams, car rides, first meetings, conversations, ultrasounds, prego craving McDonald drive thru's, baby delivery, etc.......
basically, through our entire story.
It tells me a lot about what her emotions, life and thinking must have been going through that period......
I didn't realize she was so "unaware". It threw me off track because I remember EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of EVERY LITTLE MINUTE we were co-mama-ing.
The most recent letter expressed that she has seen an adoption program, where the B.M. (birth mother) changed her mind. It showed the turmoil and heartache of the A.P. (adoptive parents).
My Baby Mama was sad by this, and wondered if we had been turned away from another B.M. or had a B.M. change her mind about placing the baby with us.
I was screaming at the computer........
HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
YOU DID!
YOU DID!
YOU DID!
Was she not there in that hospital on that day that almost broke my spirit into a million scarred pieces??!!?
Oh no,....she was there.
I felt it important to remind her detail by detail of our journey from start to finish. It was blunt and some of it could have been taken brutal.
Her response was appreciative and loving in a way that made me wonder if she even read my letter.....
which tells me she still doesn't get it.
Maybe it's information that isn't her's to "get".
Maybe these are moments and memories that are to be only mine.
I'll take that.
5 comments:
She gave me the best gift of life. as along as she did not pass on to her off spring dal granpa
call me odd,but I don't understand what anonymous was trying to say...
it doesn't matter whose womb a child comes from,it is about whose love,caring and tears took care of that child. What lucky and blessed children you two have!!
Auntie E
Oh Jolie! I feel my face flush and my heart skip a beat as I just now read this. I think there is a type of numb-denial and block-out that occurs in some BMs that are in distress during this painful process. It's as if the shock of what's really happening is almost too much to bare.
If she remembered every detail she would have to live with those memories EVERY DAY. Believe me, she thinks of the child she gave up nearly daily as it is. Maybe it's a survival mechanism so she can go on living with herself. It's sort of a blessing to you,too, that she can't cherish those memories in the same way that you do. Her experience was a completely different one than your's was. That is why YOU are his mother and you get to care in a way only his real mother can. Love is such a personal experience. Your's just happens to be Awesome. Happy Valentine's Day, my Angel. Thank you for having a big enough heart to love as much as you do! Thank you for loving yourself enough so that you can love others even more!!
XOXO
Thanks Aunt Tracy for giving me another perspective :) I know what you're saying. I love you!
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Thanks Aunt E :) I love you!
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I think what "anon granpa dal" was trying to say, is that B.M. gave him the best gift. He's just glad the offspring is smart.
02/14/2010
Amazing insights!
Courage.
I can't put my vulnerable feelings into written words right now.
I've experienced a weekend of sentimental vulnerability.
I read Princess Kassie valentine's blog. This great-granddaughter blew me away! She writes like a professional best seller author--and never a misspelled word or grammatical goof.
Her classy-Kassie humor makes me think her calling may well be a screenwriter, who is so gorgeous she stars in her own movies!
Julia Roberts, have fun in VALENTINE'S DAY but watch out for
Princess Kassie Kole Hermansen.
Our Princess Kassie was born to write, star in and steal this genre of film--
lpb
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